Playing with some white cats. They talk a lot of shit. Which makes it fun. I've beat all these dudes before. Except for that big Viking looking muhfuggah in the other cart. Dude can play. The short rich Jewish cat who calls Obama "the worst President since Jimmy Carter", tosses a red tee in the air. It lands on the ground and points at me. Rich Jewish cat says "You tee off first DeeeVee. You know the numbers. Same as last time. $5 a hole. Birdies pay double. I get a stroke front 9 back 9 and I can use the white tees on Par 5's. "
Yeah yeah whatever man. I nod at him acknowledging the bet. Shit. I aint worried about his little fat ass anyway. It's this Ernie Els lookin' muhfuggah I'm going to have to beat.
Walk up to the Gold tees. Look down range. Damn. First shot of the day. Long one. 210 yards to clear the water. Damn. I can hear the water calling my name.
An old man once told me to always set up on the side of the trouble. So I set up on the left side of the tee box. Step back behind ball.
Inevitably before each shot I start the same conversation inside my head: Come on man. Do what you know how to do. Win this first hole.
Damn. After all these years of playing golf. Still nervous on the first tee. Deep breath. Be cool man. OK. Aight. Get off to a good start.
I take another practice swing. Set up. Step up. Shoulder tilt. Waggle. Slow smooth backswing ... turn... back to the target ... fire the hips. Crack!
Ball shoots out straight low and hard. Looks good. Damn. That felt good. Must have been the sweet spot. After a couple of long seconds of airtime the ball is still over water but starting to draw towards the fairway. I hear one of the white boys behind me mutter "jeez ...".
Uh oh. Don't draw too much. It's headed for the trees. Shit! I'm saying to myself: Get past em! Get past the trees! The ball sails right between two giant trees. Yes! But it disappears on the other side of the bank. Damn! Can't see it.
"Did it go in?" I ask.
Short Jewish cats says. "I don't know. You better hit a provisional. If you hit your provisional in the water too that's two strokes you drop on the other side that's 3."
Yeah. Aight. He tryin' to fugg with me. That cracks me up. Funny dude. Aight.
I Tee up again. Backswing. Fire. Snap hook. In the water.
All I can hear is white boys laughing.
I'm trying to be cool. Keep a straight face. But on the inside I'm cursing myself out. 'Aint this a b ____! GoTDammit Punk Mutha .. You should've taken your time gahtdammit! Told you 'bout dat rushin shit!'
Jump in the cart. Drive to the other side. Mad as a muhfuggah.
Drive over the hill. Look along the water's edge. Boom! There's my first ball. Prov V number 2. Sweet! My baby is sitting right on the waters edge. No penalty! The ball is next to a tree. But I've got a shot. I'm back in it!
Come on muhffuggahs come on!
1 comment:
Wow! Felt like I was there and i don't even play golf! Hope you won.
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