Anonymous said ...
Denmark... You are the man! This is the kind of mindset every father should instill in his daughter early on. Too bad all my father pushed was education when growing up. Spent my entire adult life educating myself and taking care of business on the job front, and none of my ambitions and goals in life included a man in them. Now at thirty something it finally hits that I didn't have my priorities straight. This sense of urgency that I feel now, I should have felt at 20 or even earlier.Your daughter is blessed.
20 comments:
Pops probably figured that nature would take care of the whole getting a man thing.
DV
You arranging your son's marriages as well?
Never thought about it Big Man.
Doesn't seem to be quite the same necessity.
However, I'd be surprised if either of them doesn't pull the trigger by 25.
I've been working on 'em since they were toddlers.
They come trying to climb into the bed with me and moms early on Saturday morning.
I'd throw them on the floor, pull their mother closer and shout:"Get your own wife lil man!"
Moms smile, make me stop, and pull them into bed with us.
She's comforting.
I'm planting the seed that a wife is something desirable and something that a man goes and gets.
They're with my father for the summer.
He is in their ears about women the way Tiger's father was in his ear about golf.
I think it takes that kind of vision and commitment to develop a healthy male sexuality these days.
Where as the Plantation is beating into Negros heads that "sexuality is a fuggin' "preference" to be left up to chance, MTV & vaccines.
Bullshit.
Sexuality is nature and nurture.
When we stopped raising young boys with the expectation that they would be fathers and husbands we started to produce generations of faggots & de facto homos.
I agree with a lot of that, no doubt.
That said, if you decision to pick out a husband for your daughter borne of the idea that you will do a better job than she would, I'm surprised that you don't feel the same way about your sons.
Personally, while I acknowledge the merits of arranged marriage, I wouldn't feel comfortable telling my child "This is who you are with forever."
One of my key beliefs as a man is that you have to live with your choices. My parents drove that home to me that being adult was about making choices and then living with them. I learned over the years that there is nothing worse than having to deal with other people's choices in your personal life. So, I can't get with the idea of taking away my children's choice when it comes to something as permanent as marriage.
I want them to make that choice, so for the rest of their lives they can recognize that living with that choice is their responsibility. And I would feel that way if I had little girl, instead of my two boys.
I'm just curious about why you think it's better for you to make that choice for your little girl, but not for your sons. Is there some difference in that area as far as how you are raising them?
Any woman who doesn't agree that a woman needs a man to save her from herself is clearly lying. Any married man with a backbone and a pair hanging between his legs will tell you openly that he manages his wife's emotions. That's a big part of the job description. Most of the destable marriages I know of are those where the man hasn't yet accepted his role, or, worse yet, needs HIS emotions managed.
Sorry- No link: It was sent to me today, however relevant to the topic.
Check out :Cathleen E. Williams
It Takes A Village of Men To Raise A Single Mother
Today at 7:41pm
"As I face the reality of raising a young man to be a man as a single mother, I am clear that I cannot do this alone. I am also very clear that that state of being a single woman does not absolve my responsibility from participating in the effort, and even designing and coordinating the process. Becoming a man just doesn’t happen because one turns 21, it is a process, and a process that requires desire, guidance, love, understanding, support, prayer, overseeing and men as examples of manhood. That goes for both mother and son.
Not long ago I was increasingly concerned about my son’s changing attitude. He was cranky, short, irritable, annoying, withdrawn and a real pain in the tush. Not sure how to handle it, or to be frank not wanting to get locked up for going upside his head with my bat, I called a good male friend of mine to discuss the matter. What I learned in that conversation propelled me into nonviolence, and another dimension of mothering. Our conversation reinforced for me that the village for a single mother must include consistent, healthy, strong, wise, confident and sensitive men. I have relied on a village of predominately men for over 22 years to help me raise my son. The village has always been as important in mentoring me as it has been in helping me to raise my child.
My friend shared some very valuable information with me, and in response to that conversation I wrote him a letter (yes I still write letters) to thank him for his time. I decided to share the letter with you here. From my response, you will be glean how important it is for men to talk to and introduce women to manhood on a deep , even cellular level. While I may just be a spectator on the sidelines of manhood and masculinity, I listen, learn and continually readjust my position. I am no longer the mother of a boy, I am mothering a young man- that is a completely different role. I have revamped my village, and continue to sacrifice and evaluate myself as a woman so I can do what it takes to raise a man, with the help and support of my village of kings in my corner.
Here is the letter I wrote to my friend after our conversation about single -mothering a young man. Whether you are a man in a village or a woman building one, there is a lot here to ponder. I am not saying it will all work for you, but it should push you to think carefully about how you are raising the next generation of men to be men. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Enjoy.
"Dear D.L.,
This conversation reminded me why I brought my son to meet you in the first place. Instinctively, after knowing you only for a short time- a couple of days actually, I knew my son needed to know you.
It is my prayer to God that only men, who understood life in such a way that they could speak into Sean's life with love and understanding and guidance...men who can help him understand himself, who could direct him with the example of a life and living that would be a blessing to him, only men of that caliber would appear and speak into his life.
cont-
You mentioned that as his mother, I set certain standards and established a proclamation for his life-“son, you will be this sort of person: good, smart, mannerly and do these things (get a good education, work hard,etc.) as my child. The operative word in that sentence, child. So as I move to emancipate my son from the proclamation of his childhood- as you recommended, I see the need to replace that with a proclamation for manhood, and that is simply something I do not have. I thank God for your willingness to talk over these things with me and to mentor me in the things of manhood.
Yes, I would like to ask you to have an open discussion with him. I respect your wisdom and I appreciate that you understand and respect my role as his mother so much so that you would ask my permission to speak freely to him. That you want to be careful not to confuse him or dispute me by speaking something to him that goes against what I raised him to believe. However to avoid the possible problems that are so common in young men today, i.e. illness, anger, skin disorders, rebelliousness, premature fatherhood, emotional and identity issues, and sagging pants - the things that can happen to him if he does not have an outlet to deal with his stress - I humbly yield to your wisdom, I seek to know more and to do what is necessary to support him in this next level of his life.
I will reevaluate all of the teachings I laid down as brilliant science when he was younger, to make sure they are now gender and age appropriate, as I cannot expect that principles that are applicable for women will also be applicable to him as a man.
I cannot expect, nor can any mother expect that solely teaching a young man how to be polite, independent and self-sufficient – the same things we teach our daughters, will make him into a good man. He may be a good person, not a good man. Nor will teaching him how treat women help him to become a man. Dealing with women is not the essence of manhood. It is important, yes, but it does not teach him how to be a man. He must learn that from a man's position and perspective, not the perspective of a woman on the outside of manhood looking in.
I recognize having walked thus far through life that what is best for men is not always best for women, but that men will and must do what is right for them, a woman's needs, desires or wishes notwithstanding. Surely a great man will accept a woman in his life as a helpmate, but he will, he must go forward with what he determines to be necessary for himself as man, and seek what prepares him for life as a man, a provider, a leader. To do otherwise is to live for and as a woman.
To do otherwise is to negate the indispensable, intrinsic nature and characteristics of manhood and masculinity.
cont-
It is a misguided woman, conflicted by this reality who ignores this fact, yet believes she is effectively raising a man. A woman would perceive herself a hypocrite if she were to teach this to her son, and she would be placing herself at a disadvantage to promote this concept, even to her son, unless she is totally at peace with herself, her role and her identity as a woman.
Women raising men alone often raise them to cater to women, not to be men. The two are not mutually exclusive, however the under developed mind of a woman in the matters of manhood, or the woman unfamiliar with this balance in the developed man has no idea what this balance looks like. Therefore the focus of most women raising men is on women. Not on manhood.
And how can her focus be on manhood if she has no concept or vision of what it is to be a man? It cannot, for she does not know what she does not know!
Worse yet, oftentimes women disagree with men on what manhood is, or what it means to be a man, and often rightly so, because we have often been so mistreated by men. Our concept of men is too often negative. When our sons do something we dislike or do not understand, the mumbling begins... "he is acting just like a man"- as though that is a bad thing. That to be a man is negative and directly opposed to or less sensitive or mature than to be a woman, sending the message to a man (her son) that to be a man is to be someone your mother will not like.
The ultimate dilemma exists in that a woman is striving to raise a man to be something she has distaste for. The truth is that in many cases, a woman has never, in her own life really experienced true manhood. Many of us as mothers have not had positive experiences with men, not even with our fathers. How then can a woman raise a young man to be something she has never touched, smelled, held or experienced. How can she raise her son to be something she has never, ever seen up close and personal- an authentic, wise, confident, sensitive good man? Our definition of a good man in short tends to be "a man who is more like a woman." Not even a man in touch with his feminine side, but a man who is his feminine side. Hence why some women affirm and so love to talk to and be in the presence of men who are gay. They want a man around who is straight but has undercover gay characteristics, a man who is her girlfriend. I have all to many friends who are unconsciously seeking men who believe and treat them as gay men do, yet are not gay. I doubt there is such a thing. Our society tends to castrate men, and ridicule alpha men while simultaneously promoting the nature, fashion sense and sensibilities of gay men. When women do this, what message is sent to our sons? Our daughters? What does it do to women?
It is so rare, in these days and times of single parenting and female headed households that a woman meets an alpha man face to face, that she is likely to reject, challenge or discredit him when she does. Why? Because, he is not like anything or anyone in her memory or experience. The alpha male is an anomaly to her and she would be correct. An anomaly being a deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement, or form; an incongruity or inconsistency, the authentic and confident complete man is inconsistent with what she is familiar with, and she seeks to either quiet him or change him to meet her own personally and self serving model of manhood, or in so many words she wants to create in him a man who is more like her.
Final-
Neither of which encourages, supports or produces a man. It does not work in a relationship; it does not work with a child. The infamous vicious cycle then occurs in that men who are authentically men become uncommon. Women thereby unfamiliar with authentic men and manhood perpetuate the new uncommon man by raising more men to be anything but authentic men. The uncommon man being something she despises, she seeks to change into something more like her, which of course backfires because she is now re-designing man to hate himself and become intrinsically woman. She is essentially playing God- making man in her own image and likeness.
That is partially what is destroying the fabric and fiber of young men. We as single mothers have to seek to truly understand that men are not on earth merely to serve and treat women the way we want to be served and treated. Men have their own path to blaze and it is not at all about us.
I clearly understand, God told me this 22 years ago, raising a man is not a self-serving experience, it is a God given responsibility. Doing it alone is not God's plan but with his support and the heart of The Father, single mom's can provide the foundation for the next generation of men, who will shift the paradigm by becoming men and fathers who reverse the trend of depositing sperm and abandoning children. Single mothers must pave the way for our sons to become men/fathers who will raise the next generations of men alongside the women that bear them---women who understand, love and support men because they are men; not because of what they can do for women. We can do that by effectively building villages filled with men as dynamic and supportive as you are.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on mothering a young man. Thank you also for showing in your daily walk what it means not only to be a man, but to truly be a king. Mothers, sons, daughters and men need your example. God bless you and thank you for being a part of my village. It truly takes a village of men to raise a single mother. That has always been my mantra, and it is no less true now that my son is a young man, because motherhood is never, ever over. I appreciate your willingness to pour into our lives, and thank you for helping me to further define and articulate my purpose.
Blessings,
Cathleen
© 2010 Cathleen E. Williams Enterprises
One of the weaknesses of being a boy raised by a single mother is the witnessing of the constant desire to quit. When IWAIW says a man manages a woman's emotion what he really means is that a man doesn't let the woman quit her commitment.
The devout dyke nature is wholly different than the nature of femininity. There is no desire to usurp Alpha man in the nature of the woman. That desire is rooted in devout dykism and radical homosexuality.
Modern female has been deluded into believing she has more freedom by way of financial indepedence. She did not see that financial independence was the SIGNAL TO MAN that she desired independence FROM MAN. And man has largely given what she wanted to her own belated consternation.
But of course, Man giving females their irrational freedom is the goal of the devout dyke and radical homosexual. It's an indication that said man is embracing the de facto homo lifestyle.
And so one steeped in radical autonomy finds no desire to engage in the man/woman struggle that requires the man to perpetually fight and constantly convince his lady not to quit.
I googled for which religions have arranged marriages. I can't imagine that you're a Morman or a Hindu, so that leaves me with the question, are you a Muslim?
If you aren't, I'm wondering where you're going to find this young man who will agree to an arranged marriage with your daughter.
Or do you plan to do it ambush style like the old folks did about courtships, i.e. find the perfect guy who seems like the marrying kind, invite him over for dinner where he can meet your girl, and hope for sparks to fly. Sounds like a good plan and leaves her with a sense of autonomy.
I find this more palatable, b/c who wants to be daddy's property and then some guy's property that you had no choice over? Of course, if it's the norm in your religion, I don't want to offend.
Lil man,
I'd say DV's sense of "arrangement" is first and foremost geared around ensuring his daughter's righteous embrace of the moral authority of her husband. It's a way of teaching one's daughter to seek a man who exercises moral authority. The task is paradoxically both daunting and increasingly easy to undertake in our radically autonomizing society. The decrease in men desiring to exercise moral auhority over their ladies makes "arranged marriage" both difficult and easy depending on the "education" given to one's daughter.
The son is a different story. It is assumed that his responsibility as exerciser of moral authority guarantees a wayward lady. The need for arrangement becomes seemingly pointless to a certain degree. Of course, some females are more wayward than others, but the thrust is inculcating in your boy a desire to exercise his moral authority as one possessed with God-ordained free will.
Sista Kit!
"I googled for which religions have arranged marriages. I can't imagine that you're a Morman or a Hindu, so that leaves me with the question, are you a Muslim? " KIT
Yes. I am a Muslim.
I am also a Christian, a Buddhist, a Taoist, a Hindu and a Jew.
I'm down with whatever gets me closer to God.
Where will I find this young man who will "agree" to an arranged marriage with my daughter?
Sister I anticipate a stampede of young men willing to risk their lives for a chance to marry my daughter.
She. Will. Be. That. Bad.
fear and uncertainty,
= sufferin’ and anxiety,
man increasingly,
absent of surety,
the DIVINE guidance,
that brings clarity,
the effort of man merely,
devoid of consciously,
choosin’ the will intelligently,
of the unseen reality,
that is of the Divine originally,
= radical autonomy,
failing to submit,
to a higher authority,
that is immaterially,
perpetuates immorality,
and a society, constantly,
divided and lost!!
paradoxically,
brings us back to search earnestly,
the guidance necessary,
to raise our children properly,
"= radical autonomy,
failing to submit,
to a higher authority,
that is immaterially,
perpetuates immorality,
and a society, constantly,
divided and lost!!
paradoxically,
brings us back to search earnestly,
the guidance necessary,
to raise our children properly,"
GET 'EM DEEEEEEEE!
My father wasn't a man of the most positive words when it came to any man getting close to his daughter but he gave me a love for music and I learned a lot about the woman I intuitively decided to be from THIS man lol....
I longed for you since I was born
A woman sensitive and warm
And that you were
With pride and strength no one would test
But yet have feminine finesse
And so much more
You took me riding in your rocket, gave me a star
But at a half a mile from heaven you dropped me back
Down to this cold, cold world
Took me riding in your rocket, gave me a star
But at a half a mile from heaven you dropped me back
Down to this cold, cold world
A female Shakespeare of your time
With looks to blow Picasso's mind
You were the best
Your body moved with grace and song
Like symphonies by Bach or Brahms
Nevertheless, oh oh
You took me riding in your rocket, gave me a star
But at a half a mile from heaven you dropped me back
Down to this cold, cold world
Ooh you took me riding in your rocket, gave me a star
But at a half a mile from heaven you dropped me back
Down to this cold, cold world
Da Da Da, Da Da Da, Da Da Da, Da Da Da
Da Da Da, Da Da Da-aa
The passion burning in your heart
Would make hell's fire seem like a spark
Where did it go
Just why that you would overnight
Turn love to stone as cold as ice
I'll never know
But you took me riding in your rocket, gave me a star
But at a half a mile from heaven you dropped me back down to this...
-Stevie Wonder
This article is somewhat related to this topic.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/27/opinion/27Paglia.html?src=me&ref=general
I've been telling folks this for a minute, maybe now they'll listen.
@BM
"I've been telling folks this for a minute, maybe now they'll listen."
union of opposites,
a DIVINE providence,
can be seen in all its brilliance,
without DIVINE guidance,
you’ll think a death sentence,
if you’re not connected,
you’ll not KNOW of the essence,
that is required to bring balance,
you’ll be out of cadence,
with the rhythmic beat of a presence,
that only you’re conscience,
can have some semblance,
of a substance,
that permeates a fragrance,
in your existence,
do you KNOW how to be one,
with your opposite?
that be the question,
understanding that, seems to be alien,
but its time to check ourselves brethren,
cause THE MAN is on a mission,
to destroy the very fabric of our union,
with our opposites PERIOD!!!
I love having a man that I can go to for advice. So many times, I ask my man and my dad the same question and they give me similar guidance. I LOVE THAT! We're not married, but that's the goal and I'm loving every minute of being rescued by my guy.
I wish I really could explain this concept to him. He feels so blessed to be with me, but hasn't reached that level yet of realizing the impact he's having on my life and well-being.
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