INTERIOR DAY The house is quiet. Which is strange. But if aint broke, don't fix it. I'm stretched out on the couch watching Tiger trying to sink a 20 footer on the 17th hole. Wife at Trader Joes. Kids upstairs reading. All is well in the world. Peace. Until ...
Piercing blood curdling scream from the kids bathroom. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DAAAAA DEEEEEEEEEEE!! DAAAAA DEEEEE!!!! Oh God. That's Snack. Did she slip on the tile floor? Is she hurt bad? Oh God, my baby aint up there bleeding is she? I told her brothers to dry the floor when they got out the shower. Damn! Man, she better not be hurt.
I hit the steps running. Boom. Boom. Boom. I'm at the top.
"DAAAAA DEEEEEEEEEEE!! DAAAAA DEEEEE!!!!" I'm here baby. I'm here!
I burst into the bathroom. Baby girl is standing in the middle of the bathroom floor ballin' like she's been shot. Her green and yellow Gymboree pants are gathered around her ankles.
What's the matter baby!
"Ughh Ughh Ughh ... Da Da Daaaaaa Deeeee!!! My brothers put something on the toilet seat!!"
What?
"My brothers put something ... nasty ... on the toilet seat!!"
What?
She turns around revealing a heart shaped circle of white shaving cream framing her butt. It looks like a halo.
I try not to laugh as I get into drill sergeant mode.
What!!!
Who did that!
I march into her brothers room. Big brother sits on his bed pretending to read. His head is down and he is laughing so hard his shoulders shake. Little brother is stares up at me like he has no idea what I'm talking about. In his hand is a tall can of Gillette Foamy Shaving Cream. The cap is off and white foam is all over his clothes. There is more evidence linking him to this crime than was in OJ's Bronco.
Trying to sound like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction -
"I'm gonna say this once. Who... Put... ShavingCreamOn TheToiletSeat?!"
Silence.
Little brother looks at me like I asked him who shot JR Ewing. He has no clue what I'm talking about. Big brother is trying not to laugh so hard tears are streamingdown his face. Little sister stands behind me with her lips poked out. "Give him a beatin' Daddy!"
Little Brother shouts "I aint do nothin' to you!"
What he says is so preposterous, even he had to laugh.
"Aight. Look. Since you think I'm crazy. I'm going upstairs. I'm getting all of my belts! If by the time I get back, that mess is not cleaned up, that shaving cream not wiped off your sisters ass and the bathroom is not cleaned up before Mommy gets home, I'm going to start swinging and I don't care who I hit!"
I walk out of the room, put my hand over my face and collapse against the wall quietly cracking up.
Snack comes out the room.
"Don't cry Daddy. I'm a be alright."
8 comments:
That boy said who shot JR...
My Don't have any stories like that. Whenever my son visits his mother he always talks about his three sisters from her present marriage.
He loves those little cuties to death. The two youngest look a little like your daughter. His sisters are 7, 4 & 3. He is 10, been with me since age 2. That Bill Bixby/Eddie's father action.
Your daughter is too cute and that is a funny story!
LOL @ don't cry daddy!
hilarious!
Say Dee-Vision,
I remember you made mention on one thread that your two boys had 'vat-sick-nation' shots but your daughter didn't. Lack of knowledge, pressure from fam'. Same thing I've gone through with my son. He had a few, but when he was 2 he started having crazy ear infections and seizures. Eyes rolling back in his head. My heart used to stop, so the fugg'n shots stopped.
Anyway, did your boys ever have problems with ear aches? It just kicked in with my boy today. Been so long since that's been an issue with him. Any suggestions?
Haha, DV, in what context did baby gurl make that face.
It's so funny how she's trying to look pouty and mad, but can't overcome the "cuteness" factor.
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