KP said ...
When wigs and weaves for reasons unrelated to hair loss become the norm, self image problems are the norm.
Nowadays you have to dare a woman to simply be herself. Help me understand.
Big Man said...
I've heard many chicks echo KW's sentiments.When my wife had locs in college, she said there was a certain pressure to behave a particular way. A teacher I had said that different dude's would talk to her when she had a natural, compared to when she had a relaxer. Cats were assigning values to her based on her hair.
Now, I agree that sometimes chicks' hair is a red flag. I don't like blonde hair, particularly not blond weave, unless that grew out of your head. It just feels wrong. I don't like wigs and weaves all the time. But, I recognize that's a personal preference, and really it's a superficial issue that is all about my projecting my assumption on to chicks. It's like when women assume that a man has a little penis because he has a flashy sports car. It's all about us and our hang ups.
Now my wife has a natural. A big ol' Afro that I braid for her at night. (That's something we started when she was pregnant with the first baby, it was a nightly ritual. Now it's not every night, but often enough.)
I do it all kinds of styles and my baby likes it. I tell her I don't ever want her to get a relaxer again, but it's not like having a relaxer would make her a different person. If she has hangups, they'll be there no matter what her hair looks like, and the same thing is true if her hair is natural.
Some of y'all staring at the tea leaves a little too closely.
48 comments:
Hey DV, does Mrs Vesey check out your blog on the regular?
Good one KW. That's a question I always wonder about too...
What does Mrs. DV think about the blog and does she participate in the discussions?
ITS ART!!!!!!
DV and I have the same eye and appreciation for art.
It is nice to see a sister who is relaxing her mind. Doesn't she seem peaceful?
CF,
Your defensiveness is rather telling, nobody's on trial here. I want to know from DV whether Mrs Vesey checks out his blog from time to time and I'd prefer for him to answer.
Well shit now I wanna know since you ain't answered....
Like Al Green sang...simply beautiful.
No defensiveness here, my good sister.
The pictures shown on brother DV's blog are not the "booty shaking" - "let it all hang out" pictures of scantily clad females that both DV and I would likely protest as a violation of the art form.
I just wish he'd take the one where the woman is blowing the "O-ring" of smoke off. This is below the standard.
Am I the only one that is really sick of the whole wig phenomenon? I'm not really bothered by weaves, if they're good weaves but I just don't understand the whole wig trend. I'm also over the fake eye lashes. I used to do them occasionally at night with a smokey eye but now that ppl are wearing them in the day to the supermarket they have become so tacky to me.
^^LOL
That's good stuff Pink.
I feel you. After awhile it would be like being in bed with a woman wearing a disguise.
I'd be scared she was going to pull a Mission Impossible on me ... peel her face back and look like Flavor Flav or somebody.
When wigs and weaves for reasons unrelated to hair loss become the norm, self image problems are the norm.
Nowadays you have to dare a woman to simply be herself. Help me understand.
KP
LOL DV, I have a friend who I have NEVER seen without a wig on. She recently spent the weekend with a guy she started seeing and I want to know so badly if she slept with a wig on but I don't want to be rude and ask. Maybe she did pull a mission impossible on him, who knows.
CF
I don't have as discerning an eye as you do to see the side bar pic as 'below standard' - what is 'the standard' because I'd think it was posted there to keep the fellas happy; they get artistic porn and intellectual stimulation all at the same joint...This pics say alot tho', I dunno if I'd share my husband's artistic appreciation of the naked female form, but this is me. That's why I asked DV the kwestin I am still waiting on an answer to.
DV, bra, plse answer a sista. thanx
The problem with the Sistas in regards to their hair, goes to the heart of not knowing the dangers of what they are doing externally (just like-internal-we know the dangers of ingesting clone meat etc., etc., ) in trying to improve their appearance.
The skin is like a sponge and everything artificial that we put on the outside of our bodies will have detrimental effects on our insides also (Nicotine patches anyone?). If you cant eat it, you should not being putting it on your skin or hair.
Have you every read some of the shit in the ingredients of the black hair care products? In marketing what is beautiful to us, our natural hair has been deemed taboo and walla, a billion dollar industry of chemical manipulation has been born.
You will see that as we get older in this generation, we will have more hair problems than the last. Makes me want to get into the wig business. :)
Blacks have been market all that Johnson and Johnson shit along with the Madam CJ Walker crap and none of it helps you with "healthy hair" in the long run. Yeah you will look hot for a while or have some improvement temporarily, But like I said in the long run you will end up looking like Wendy Williams (How you doing?) or Tina T. Bras have to look out also cause ain't nothing healthy about putting petroleum and mineral oil base products on your head. Pomade will block those pores and make sure you lose them locks faster than Samson.
Just remember the simple rule again . If you can't eat it, don't put it on your body!
Booyha! Then you will never need the wig like that sista Pink talked about.
KP said:
When wigs and weaves for reasons unrelated to hair loss become the norm, self image problems are the norm.
Nowadays you have to dare a woman to simply be herself. Help me understand."
KP,
I don't speak for all women, but there are some very practical and cultural reasons why some women weave or braid their hair - for me, my hair is natural underneath and it would break like crazy in this cold. I wear it out in the summer coz it's not built for this weather at all - a synthetic weave (I don't wear 'human' hair) or braids is the best thing for me. It also helps to keep my head warm ; )
But more than that, a woman isn't 'not herself' when she wears a wig or a weave; knowledge and love of self is rooted within and comes from within; what lies on the outside can be a reflection of what's within or it's a fashion expression. Hair can be a very superficial thing, having natural hair or locks or a weave is not an automatic signifier of what lies within.
It's not always the sistas with weaves that have complexes; I know some dreadlocked sistas that have 'issues'. I've gotten funny reactions from some people who think I'm not quite 'deep enough' because I wear my hair a certain way or think I'm a 'pseudo- revolutionary' by having a weave and dressing trendy, but that's just silly and superficial. All of that goes once people get to know each other.
When I was dreading my hair, there was a certain pressure to be a certain way - maybe bec of the circles I hung around in but it's as if sistas were the antithesis and antidote to that long history of Black women & the hair complex, but sometimes that's not always a load you want to carry or even fully understand. I've found my freedom in who I am and it extends far beyond hair. Like India Arie said, I am not my hair.
...one
I've heard many chicks echo KW's sentiments.
When my wife had locs in college, she said there was a certain pressure to behave a particular way. A teacher I had said that different dude's would talk to her when she had a natural, compared to when she had a relaxer. Cats were assigning values to her based on her hair.
Now, I agree that sometimes chicks' hair is a red flag. I don't like blonde hair, particularly not blond weave, unless that grew out of your head. It just feels wrong. I don't like wigs and weaves all the time. But, I recognize that's a personal preference, and really it's a superficial issue that is all about my projecting my assumption on to chicks. It's like when women assume that a man has a little penis because he has a flashy sports car. It's all about us and our hang ups.
Now my wife has a natural. A big ol' Afro that I braid for her at night. (That's something we started when she was pregnant with the first baby, it was a nightly ritual. Now it's not every night, but often enough.)
I do it all kinds of styles and my baby likes it. I tell her I don't ever want her to get a relaxer again, but it's not like having a relaxer would make her a different person. If she has hangups, they'll be there no matter what her hair looks like, and the same thing is true if her hair is natural.
Some of y'all staring at the tea leaves a little too closely.
Big Man, you are so kind and reasonable. Your wife is lucky to have you. And we are not our hair. But it still means something when the majority of Black women wear fake hair or human hair that did not grow out of their hair. This has become the norm and white girls, mexican girls, assyrian girls and so forth get weaves too. I think it is a cultural issue because we are caught up in perfection. White girls flat iron their hair to make it straighter and even put tracks in for the look. Black women do the same.
But that is the rub. This nonsense about looking perfect is unrealistic. A person should be happy in their own skin. So I wear a natural, but I can just as soon apply heat to it to style it differently. I tried a weave for my birthday last year, kept it in for four days and laughed at myself each one of those days because I was trying something so utterly false and inconsistent with my values.
KW, as someone who is conscious of health I am surprised you wear a weave sometimes. After that four day weave debaucle last year, I did research into fake hair and was appalled! The chemicals that are used to make fake hair are toxic and likely unregulated since most of it is make in China. We haven't even begun to track the environmental reprecussions of putting PLASTIC on your hair for a style. Because those fibers are pretty much a cross between nylon and plastic!
I wish more of us were conscious of this issue. In the end, we still are the only ethnic group of women that by far does NOT wear their own natural hair.
This hair stuff gets real sensitive so I'll be easy.
A woman is far more than her hair. Couldn't agree more. I just don't want to hear the "hard to manage" excuse. "managing" "black" hair wouldn't be a "problem" if the images of "manageable hair" were kinky.
Why are common solutions for managing hair found in methods that damage natural hair?
What did black women in the 60's and 70's do to "manage" their hair in the winter? They didn't turn to a perm in droves so what happened over the last 40+ years?
This isn't judgment. Simply observation. People aren't too far from lemmings.
These ass girdles for assless women is the chicken coming home to roost.
KP
@ Big Man
Much Respect. What you do for your wife is so awesome and motivational....made me want to go upstair and give my wife a massage (can't braid :)) or something. You are a real man Bra.
Thanks for the inspiration.
KP said
"What did black women in the 60's and 70's do to "manage" their hair in the winter? They didn't turn to a perm in droves so what happened over the last 40+ years?"
...I don't know what they did, what I know is my hair breaks alot and I get headaches from the cold. The breaking is true for alot of African-born girls where the winter's aren't quite so harsh, but there are some British or American-born Black girls who don't have that problem.
Mahndisa said:
"KW, as someone who is conscious of health I am surprised you wear a weave sometimes."
Well what am I s'posed to do, let it break or wear a head wrap till the temperatures rise? I used to think about it alot when I started braiding and weaving but I couldn't think of any option and consoled myself with that I was braiding it into funky styles so I wasn't really chemicalizing ; ). If y'can think another alternative, then I'll consider it.
My hair is currently breaking too and I don't know if it's the cold or stress. But it's driving me crazy and I can't wear braids because they itch and that's even worse. For me, the only thing that works at all is washing it more often because it sheds less if it's freshly conditioned. Also letting it air dry rather than blow drying. But I know everyone's hair is different so that may not work for you.
Big Man
Salut! Your wife is really lucky to have a man like you. My younger brother used to help me with my hair when we younger, he was always sweet like that.
I guess your experience helps you know what women go through sometimes.
Pink
Thanks, but that won't work it really is the cold. My cuz has that problem with braiding too.
"Mahndisa said:
"KW, as someone who is conscious of health I am surprised you wear a weave sometimes."
Well what am I s'posed to do, let it break or wear a head wrap till the temperatures rise?"
Well KW, I think you have set up a false dichotomy. You are saying that either you wear head wraps or weaves or else your hair will break. That is very weak reasoning. I believe we are the only ethnic group that has no idea how to care for our God given hair. All the other ethnicities wear their natural hair without a problem. What is wrong with us that we are so disconnected from wearing our natural naps?
For God's sakes why don't you wear your natural hair? A nicely picked afro that is moisturized and shiny looks beautiful. Or instead of fake hair, why not twist or braid your natural hair without the fakeness?
If you really want to know how to take care of your hair, listen to a person whose been transitioning for almost two years;) Coconut oil by far is one of the best things you can do for your hair because unlike other oils, it actually penetrates the hair shaft and has a medicinal affect on the scalp. If your hair is so fragile that it will break unless you put fake hair on it, that sounds really bad. But even deeper, if you continue to wear fake hair, you will likely not have any hair of your own left due to traction alopecia.
Black women are the largest sufferers of hair loss among females on this planet. And usually the hair loss is preventable, due entirely to styling where the hair is pulled, tugged and abused for a period of time.
IF you want to wear your hair straight sometimes, you'd be better off using the ceramic flat irons than putting in a weave and or chemical relaxers. But back to a plan of action. Not only does a hot coconut oil treatment work, with scalp massage and combing out to detangle, but taking vitamins and supplements works too.
Many of us are deficient in some type of nutrient or vitamin no matter how well we think we eat, simply due to toxins interfering with absorption of the good stuff etc. Therefore, a multivitamin, particularly a prenatal vitamin will help your hair get stronger.
I've had problems with my hair being dried out and weak when my health wasn't the best. Upon starting multivitamins and taking better care of myself, my hair grows like a weed and rarely breaks unless we are talking about daily shedding. There is a gal named Aulelia who has the most beautiful mane of natural hair you ever saw. She is from Africa originally too. She probably has better hints than me.
Mahndisa:
"For God's sakes why don't you wear your natural hair? A nicely picked afro that is moisturized and shiny looks beautiful. Or instead of fake hair, why not twist or braid your natural hair without the fakeness?"
That's what I do in the summer. I either wear it as a fro or braid it and undo it in the morning so it's frizzed out and it's quite cool like that. It's not a permanent state of fakin' it; 4 - 5.5 months is not that bad.
I've never had some of the more serious problems like traction alpoceia because I don't salon-hop like some people and they end up with a hairdresser who really pulls.
I sometimes mash avocados mixed with cocnut oil as a conditioner and it's really good. I'll checkout the link you posted, thanks.
So you wear the fakeness for a third of the year or so due to breakage from cold weather? This should not be! Here is another link.
BTW, how do you dispose of the fake hair once you are done with it?
big ups big man! @ mandihsa & kw: i love coconut oil. pure olive oil also works well as a moisturizer.
chris rock's film 'good hair' was an interesting (and mad funny) exploration of black women's hair politics and machinations, including weaves made of real hair (i.e. hair that actually grew out of someone else's head) from india. unfortunately the film didn't pay very close attention to women who are comfortable and conscientious in rocking their natural hair.
where i'm from, wearing you hair natural in any form was/is practically unheard of. i went natural seven years ago, started locks three years ago, and some folks still don't quite comprehend the idea that i or any other black woman can a) be and feel beautiful without processed hair and b) be successful in the professional sphere with my hair 'looking like this'. it is true, we are not our hair, but in my experiences it is often a reflection of self-image consciousness.
after i made the transition, i was nothing less than disgusted with the fact that i, like so many sistas, had been socialized to be unappreciative of my natural beauty.
Are there more choices to disposing of hair than simply throwing it in the trash???...
^ i'm not fully knowledgeable but i believe that burning disposed hair has some significance in african american culture.
I've heard of burning your own hair so someone doesn't get it and work obeah on you, but burning synthetic hair?
right ... that synthetic shit ... is probably better off in the trash. or you could roll it up and let a cat play with it, teehee.
"I want to know from DV whether Mrs Vesey checks out his blog from time to time and I'd prefer for him to answer." Kay Dub
"i love coconut oil. pure olive oil also works well as a moisturizer. "
^^ Should be mandatory.
Not vaccines.
"For me, the only thing that works at all is washing it more often because it sheds less if it's freshly conditioned."
Oohhhhhh ... be careful with that one sister.
Chemical detergents strip hair.
Commercial conditioners are often petroleum, which gives the illusion of moisture and shine.
Hair is primarily conditioned from the inside out.
Eat good fats and your hair and skin will love you for it.
Also.
Never put anything on your skin or in your hair that you wouldn't put in your mouth.
(Rinse your hair in cold water. Hot water makes it dry.)
Eat more good fat? I think I'd rather be bald than fatter! LOL. Seriously I have no clue what good fat is... I'm in the process of growing my perm out so I think that's also why it's falling out. It misses the perm.
pink,
avocado, walnuts, wild salmon, sardines, olives = good fats.
your hair is brittle due to poor diet and chemically treating the hair.
i am huge on folk having the "say so" in their lives, but this whole debate over hair is ridiculous.
chemicals are not good for the hair. period. no debate.
i wear locs. love it....when i want color henna does the trick.
OK TGN you are so right about the good fats! Ain't henna a chemical though?
Pink you will be okay. Your hair will be in shitty condition until the relaxer is completely gone. This means your new growth might feel fried at the ends. Don't give up hope! Do a woman's prenatal or multivitamin and take the good fats! By all means eat the good fats!
Eat more good fat? I think I'd rather be bald than fatter!
Pink, fat doesn't make you fat. Sugar does. Anything related to hair, skin and nails is almost always a deficiency in high quality fats as TGN and Mahndisa pointed out.
mahndisa,
henna is derived from the bark, leaves and flowers of a shrub...all natural. will leave a reddish, coffee-ish colored tint to your hair.
II- fat or sugar if not burned will be stored in the body as fat or adipose tissue.
eat what is needed to fuel the body...no more.
I've been using coconut oil mixed with shea butter as a hair moisturizer and it has worked wonders for my hair. My hair is softer and has a nice sheen to it.
Mahndisa,
I soak it in soapy water for a night then dry it out and bin it. You def got me thinking about undoing my hair a month earlier than planned. I'll let you know if the tips work.
DV said:
"Hair is primarily conditioned from the inside out."
That is so true. The body also gives you signals something is not right on the inside. When my hair and nails break, its because I'm under-nourished because of a juice or veg fast that's run on for waaay, waaay too long. It usually falls out in the centre - same thing happened a few years ago when I was forced to go on heavy meds for an illness I had.
Otherwise if it falls out from the back going up; its weather related. If the hairline breaks - too many headwraps.
DV said:
"I want to know from DV whether Mrs Vesey checks out his blog from time to time and I'd prefer for him to answer." Kay Dub"
I think you for forgot to finish that.
...peace
Thanks for the clarification TGN, I guess I was confusing red henna with Black henna which can cripple a person!
I've seen the mehndi artwork with the Indian gals and it is quite beautiful and never knew the distinctions between the different types.
Big Man,
You make me feel like a bad husband. My wife relaxes her hair but always talks about growing locs. I'm with it as long as she keeps 'em clean. Blonde locks are cool too. I love that.
IWAIW
Nah son, the hair braiding is just one good quality in a sea of bad ones. My wife would be more than happy to tell y'all about all my flaws.
But, I actually had my wife teach me how to braid hair. I always wanted to learn back when I had braids, and then when I had locs, so I got her to show me. Then, I wanted to practice, and she was gracious enough to let me practice on her.
I remember back when she had relaxed hair, and I was just learning how to braid, she let me braid her hair and I did a horrible job. Instead of pulling it all out, she wore it our of the house and back to her crib. This was when we were just braiding. My mom's saw her and said "Boy, she wearing her hair out like that? That's love right there."
I think it's a good bonding thing to help your wife with her hair, if she has the inclination. Just like massages and foot rubs, women like those little things. The key is to find a skill you want to learn, then convince your wife to let you practice on her. That way you're getting to do something you like, and getting points for being sweet.
Hell, I starting learning how to sew about a year ago, and have sewed my wife several garments. I figure a brother can never have too many skills.
Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure if it's dietary because I prefer short nails and I have to constantly cut mine because they grow fast. My nails are definitely healthy but my hair isn't. So it's probably because of the perm growing out. But I'm gonna try the coconut oil and olive oil.
Big Man, WOW, you are certainly a rarity. I was trippin' off of the braiding... but sewing too?? Your wifee is one lucky woman indeed. :)
It is also great to hear that brothas have respect and appreciation for a natural sista. I can't say the same for a lot of the Black men esp. out here in L.A, even the so called conscious brothas. Society is brainwashed by media's impossible standard of beauty.
NEA
My wife is blessed in some ways, and she has her own cross to bear in others. I'm hard to deal with.
On the beauty thing, I agree it's shame. I wrote something on my blog a while back about how insidious the brainwashing has been, even when you're aware of what's going on.
Black women have a hard row to hoe.
Big Man,
Can I send you my measurements and a dress pattern? ; )
But really tho' maaaad respect to you; it's gr8 you're so humble about it. There def-o aren't too many brothas like you as NEA said.
Damn... the most clever hair thread on the Internet - this ish is funny.
IMOHO - Wear what you want.
The only problem is when ones hair stops them from working out, learning to swim, or sleeping at at night.
"working out, learning to swim, or sleeping at at night."
Yep and weaves make it difficult to work out and swim. I've known some gals who don't work out because they don't want to sweat out their weaves.
And for someone like me who sweats, infrequent hair washings are just as bad as not washing the hair enough. I wash my hair twice a week and condition three times a week.
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