The wife and I took the kids out to eat Sunday night to celebrate little man's victory in the boxing tournament. Food was good. Wine wasn't bad. We had a good time.When we arrived, there were two sistas waiting at the hostess area. Very pleasant happy looking women in their late 20's. Early 30's. I assumed they were waiting for their dates. We exchanged smiles. They complimented Snack on her outfit and how well she was behaving. Snack asked one of the sistas about her scarf which seemed to thrill her to no end. The hostess motioned that our table was ready. We all said goodbye in that awkward way people do when they don't expect to see each other again.
Soon after we sat down, I was surprised to see the two sistas escorted to the large table next to us. This time they were joined by two other women making it a foursome. Before the waitress took our drink order 3 other women arrived making it a party of 7 women. Not a single man. The women who arrived late couldn't get their drinks fast enough. I couldn't tell if they were getting off of work, getting away from families or escaping lonely apartments they shared with cats. But they were not as easy going as the first two sistas.
Eventually their drinks came. And the initial excitement of their gathering was overshadowed by the seriousness of ordering their meals. The waitress explained the specials, answered their questions and took their orders. Before she left one of the sistas yelled out. Separate checks!As our people are keen to do, the late arriving sistas eventually noticed that there was another table of black people in the restaurant. They weren't as quick to smile as the original sistas. One woman, a little older than the others, about my age, made eye contact with me. We shared a moment... The contrasting energies between our tables was palpable. A group of single black women. A black family. So close yet so far apart.
I don't know about the other black fathers out there ... but sometimes people relate to me as if a black family is some type of enigma. Like we don't really exist. Like there's gotta be a catch ...
What happened to couples? Is everything a gr0up now?
O. Mahogany said...
Well, I love the subject DV. Just yesterday I saw a father with his two little men in the parking lot of the mall. My heart beat faster and I really felt warm inside. It's definately an aspiration to have it all: healthy, lasting, united love. My parents are no longer together and the years they shared were truly held by a thin thread. It is a constant struggle within my own relationship to reject what I use to believe was an "enigma". I mean I can remember a day in my univ. sociology class in which my professor told all the women to look around the class at all the men because they and only they would be our pick of potential mates. She went on to say if we didn't act fast it would be a great possibility we would end up alone....like her lol.On the flip my prince is an arduous believer in "forever" (a word he uses often with me) and his parents are still happily married. He even attends law school at that same university and sees that professor on the daily lol. But I digress....
I dont know if ladies such as myself (20 something blk females)believe that they wont be a part of a healthy black family. I think we just wonder if it will arrive before a man has had children with someone else or once we're married will it have the longevity that you sport in your relationship. Furthermore, I cant help but question whether or not my relationships are equipped with the stuff that makes for forever. Foreva, eva, for eva eva????
And I think it's because everyone talks about being in love and happily married but not much is said about how it comes to fruition.
34 comments:
You know DV, this is a heavy post. Yes, married couples across demographics are a rarity nowadays. When you see a family with a wife, husband and children it is a beautiful thing and faaar too uncommon nowadays.
I am surprised you haven't posted on the Hollywood headfake that shows all these beautiful women stars who have chosen to have children OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE. They are usually in their late thirties or early forties and get their babies and we are supposed to be happy for them.
I am happy whenever a new baby comes into the world, but I am not always happy about the circumstances surrounding their existence. It's a damned shame when people are surprised that me and my husband are together now, have been together for over ten years and ain't goin nowhere.
have been together for over ten years and ain't goin nowhere.
have been together for over ten years and ain't goin nowhere.
have been together for over ten years and ain't goin nowhere.
have been together for over ten years and ain't goin nowhere.
have been together for over ten years and ain't goin nowhere.
have been together for over ten years and ain't goin nowhere.
... go 'head M.
I like that. We need to teach that in school.
Heh show you right DV. And now since we have a son in the mix that's firmed up our commitment to each other even more. I never knew that having a child could bond you so much with a person. Now I understand why baby's mama drama gets so damned complicated and it proves all the more why folks ought to get married before bringing children into this world.
That's cool M.
Reach over to your husband and give him a fist tap from Denmark Vesey.
Tell him: "GotAChick".
He'll know what I'm talking about.
"It's a damned shame when people are surprised that me and my husband are together now"-M.R.
I'm trying to understand some things. I don't know if the answer to these questions will solve them but it extends my perception.
Are both (you $ your husband) your parents together?
When you say "people are surprised" are those people within your immediate circle ie your friends his friends?
...or are they co-workers etc.?
If they are friends (that are surprised) are their parents together?
My parents are still together after almost thirty five years. Their parents are still together, my paternal Grandparents have been married for sixty three years damner and my maternal Grandparents were married for almost fifty five years before my Grandma Jo died. My husband's biological Mother died when he was a young man but up to that point his parents had been married twenty seven years. My husbands step mother recently passed and she and my father in law were married twenty nine years. Longevity in relationships is all around me and I cannot imagine it any other way.
As to people being surprised...some of the people that show surprise are people in our families that have not had successful relationships themselves. Other people might be strangers we arbitrarily meet somewhere. Married couples with children are now a minority compared to those with kids who aren't in a formalized relationship together.
In college I had a hardcore crew of about seven or eight homies.
Six of those cats are married, and have kids or are in the process of trying to get that first bun in the oven.
When I look at my partners, it's hard for me to understand the hand-wringing about black couples. These cats are doctors, lawyers, businessmen and most of them are God-fearing. From what I can see, they don't cheat on their wives, and treat them with love and respect.
I know that my small circle is not indicative of the whole, hell I have eyes.
But, I think the biggest obstacle in the path of black love and family is bitterness. Bitterness from men, bitterness from women. Combine that with a lack of trust in God, and a lack of willingness to sacrifice to build something, and you have the current state of affairs.
That said, there's nothing sinster about girls night out. Hell, you play golf with the homies all the time.
Damn M.
That's summin else.
Wow.
That's good to hear. Makes you wonder though. The 'Successful Black Relationships' meme hasn't been around since Cosby went into syndication.
I wonder if there exists a discrepancy between the perception and the reality?
How often do we hear people acknowledge what Big Man just described? Positive, affirmative comments about black families and relationships?
That happens about as often as Plantation media says something positive about Muslims.
I wonder if the Plantation bombarded us with so many images of black family dysfunction that it shaped African American group identity.
I once heard that people tend to do what they are expected to do.
Was the script black people are reading from today, regarding marriage and kids, programmed into them by the last 30 years of media?
Other than the anomaly of the Cosby Show ... it's been
1) The Single Mom archetype and
2) The Shiftless / Dangerous / Destructive / Violent / Sex Addict / Heterosexual Black Male with one foot in jail archetype.
I had a sister tell me recently ... "Look DV. You married and that's great. I'm proud of you. When it happens and it works, it's cool. But it aint for everybody. I mean. When I think about it. When I was coming up, I didn't see no successful marriages. I didn't see no successful relationships. You know? So I don't really see why I should expect that now. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I'm cool."
Ummmmm ....
Thought about that one for a long time.
Whenever people speak of "what they see" ... 90% of what they "see" is media.
They often think it's their immediate surroundings, their family, but it is not. Today our environment IS media. The physical world is just a reference point.
So ... her media environment DISPLAYED an image an expectation of black family life to this young woman that failed to include examples of healthy successful marriages and heterosexual relationships.
What was the consequence?
She doesn't even expect a successful marriage in life.
What is the consequence?
Lower probability of marriage.
What is the consequence?
The family, the foundation of the black family, is threatened.
Team Eugenics hits a 3 Pointer.
Weakening families is what you do to people that you plan to ease on out.
Maybe these single Black sistas provide some insight into the problem.
Bear in mind this was a plantation media report and designed to
i. perpetuate the unequal opposition of successful Black woman v jailed/jobless/screwed up Black man.
ii. promote inter-racial dating.
iii. make Black women look like failures in life as compared to the married White women.
Off topic:
LOVE the black and white photo off to the side of the 2 women. The look on the one woman's face is classic.
Well, I love the subject DV. Just yesterday I saw a father with his two little men in the parking lot of the mall. My heart beat faster and I really felt warm inside. It's definately an aspiration to have it all: healthy, lasting, united love. My parents are no longer together and the years they shared were truly held by a thin thread. It is a constant struggle within my own relationship to reject what I use to believe was an "enigma". I mean I can remember a day in my univ. sociology class in which my professor told all the women to look around the class at all the men because they and only they would be our pick of potential mates. She went on to say if we didn't act fast it would be a great possibility we would end up alone....like her lol.
On the flip my prince is an arduous believer in "forever" (a word he uses often with me) and his parents are still happily married. He even attends law school at that same university and sees that professor on the daily lol. But I digress....
I dont know if ladies such as myself (20 something blk females)believe that they wont be a part of a healthy black family. I think we just wonder if it will arrive before a man has had children with someone else or once we're married will it have the longevity that you sport in your relationship. Furthermore, I cant help but question whether or not my relationships are equipped with the stuff that makes for forever. Foreva, eva, for eva eva????
And I think it's because everyone talks about being in love and happily married but not much is said about how it comes to fruition.
Whenever people speak of "what they see" ... 90% of what they "see" is media.
This is why the mc has the power to change how youth perceive reality. This artist related to me that this Muslim cat (African-American) was overseas an a youngster in the middle of the desert asked him about Tupac. He said this cat was thinking, "Fool, we in the middle of nowhere and you want "thuglife"." MEDIA IS POWERFUL.
I've always argued in my circle that Bill Cosby owning NBC is more powerful than a black Presidency.
There is a lot that took place in black culture we are not giving Cos credit for.
That's why they couldn't give him the power of controlling imagery.
paternal Grandparents have been married for sixty three years damner and my maternal Grandparents were married for almost fifty five years before my Grandma Jo died.-M.R.
Do you know how old they were when they got married?
Also 10 years of marriage with youth? Rigmaiden is Ironmaiden for that.
Also have you broken away from work to raise your sun or are you all tag team'n with the daycare pop'n off?
Kaaaaay Duuuub!
I saw that piece awhile back. Many people were put off by it. I remember cats in the barbershop talking about it.
KonWomyn said...
"Bear in mind this was a plantation media report and designed to
i. perpetuate the unequal opposition of successful Black woman v jailed/jobless/screwed up Black man.
ii. promote inter-racial dating.
iii. make Black women look like failures in life as compared to the married White women." KW
i. Bingo
ii. Bingo
iii.Bingo
Saaaaasha
lol. Yeah that flick caught my eye too. That's Sophia Lauren looking at Jayne Mansfield?
"This is why the mc has the power to change how youth perceive reality." GC
Bra?
Bra?
Bra?
Thank you.
That's why I give Hip Hop so much props.
It was fashionable among Plantation Negros for the last few years to Hate on Hip Hop.
"Allllllll it's about is bitches and ho's".
I was so sick of hearing those unimaginative muhfuggas no deeper than paper plates pontificate on some shit they didn't understand.
Hip Hop is to black folks what crude oil is to Arabs. A natural resource.
We can compete memetically with anyone.
As ... long ... as ... we ... got ... the mic.
That's what this blog is about.
If you had the mic ... what would you do with it?
1) Get A Chick
2) Control your health
3) Define yourself
The girl's night out has become the substitute for dates.
The wife went out over the weekend with about 6 of her friends, only one of whom is stable enough to have a husband. Two are hopelessly bitter. One is a closet dike, and the other two "aren't sure if marriage is right for them." They all claim to want children. These bitches are 36 years old.
Before she left, I told the wife, "Why do you hang around those broads. You don't like them. They hate you because you are married with children. You don't have anything in common and you are holding on to the past." She was like "blah blah."
After midnight, she stumbles in drunk and says, "you're right. I don't know why I hang around those hoes."
I love marriage. I got four wifes.
GC, my paternal Grandpa was 23 and my Grandma was 20 when they got married. My maternal Grandpa was 19 and my Grandma was 20 going on 21 when they got married, I believe.
I got married when I was 25 but got with my husband when I was 22. He is a few years older then me. We are in it for the long haul, by the grace of God. I tutor a client every now and again but mostly stay at home with my boy. At this time my husband is the primary breadwinner. We decided to do that until he was old enough to talk in sentences. He doesn't do that yet so we are at home:)
Omar Hadji Halef Ben Gossera said...
"I love marriage. I got four wifes."
LOL! I'm willing to bet that's one of the many aliases of M. Fisher.
@asIwander....Hilarious! 36? not one child? dammmmmmmmn. Im far too full of myself not to make it so that at least one other little me is around. Making babies is the greatest form of creativity and Im creating a MASTERPIECE.
O. Mahogany said:
"Im far too full of myself not to make it so that at least one other little me is around. Making babies is the greatest form of creativity and Im creating a MASTERPIECE"
Denmark, you need to quote this son.
That right there is real talk.
most folk..male and female, do not commit because they feel there is always "something better"..and they are correct.
there will always be someone more fly, richer, more beautiful, with better dick and awesome coochie....marriage is not about finding the "best" or settling for less than.
it is about making a decision to stay. even when your mate deserves to be left alone. it requires much grace and love. and GOD.
First law of relationship...
Never quit.
First principle of liberalism within relationship...
ALWAYS BE READY TO SEVER IT.
Any lady, black or otherwise, who thinks she can be a devout liberal and have a successful relationship is explicit evidence of the mind-boggling stranglehold of the odious ideology called liberalism.
Absolute freedom IS WHAT YOU DO to dissolve relations.
TO BE LIBERAL is to be free of relations.
Be illiberal and KEEP A MAN...
That's good stuff TD.
But don't you think the dialectic is a little too simple?
Liberal?
Liberal?
Relative to what?
I don't think your descriptor noun is "efficacious".
DV,
Liberal relative to Truth...
The evidence of broken relations is abound. The evidence of inability to form relations is ubiquitous. Strong and lasting relations are getting rarer and more astonishing to witness.
The unconscious liberal's fundamental belief is the ability to do whatever he wants. He utilizes the memes of nondiscrimination and tolerance to destroy impediments. And he pronounces the righteousness of "equality" as a means to deny and destroy supremacy.
The liberal thinks he can be free and have an enduring relationship ALL WITHOUT God.
The Good Nurse said "most folk..male and female, do not commit because they feel there is always "something better"..and they are correct.
there will always be someone more fly, richer, more beautiful, with better dick and awesome coochie....marriage is not about finding the "best" or settling for less than.
it is about making a decision to stay. even when your mate deserves to be left alone. it requires much grace and love. and GOD."
TGN is the truth accept no substitute!!!!
@DV: Love your spot! I've been roll'n with you since "The State Of" & don't plan on going elsewhere anytime soon.
Be Well,
Soulijah Story
I definitely spent my 20's having the "something better might be around the corner" mentality as it related to dating... I wish someone had told me then, "look girl, you are not all that and you are far from perfect" because I really thought I was! But I think that the problem that you have when you reach 30 and just start realizing that you should have settled down by now is that the men that were actually worth having are married to the women that had more realistic expectations and you're left with either the leftovers (who are usually leftover because they have issues or are undateable) or younger men (and who the hell feels like babysitting?). So dating becomes harder and I guess that's when you start getting bitter and no one wants to date you anyway.
As far as women that say that no one they know is successfully married, it's not always about media because I can honestly say that I come from a family of single people, mostly single women, and I do not have a good example of how to make a relationship work. So I've learned as I've gotten older and unfortunately I get it now but I'm a slow learner so I got it now that I'm over 30 and stuck with the leftovers! :(
My goodness, i just had one of these evenings out with some of my close college friends ... it was exhausting for several reasons, but mostly because it was an old scene.
and i ain't even hit my 30s yet.
i have to say, as a 20something in a college town, dating prospects are not and have not been (in my experience) abundant. on one hand, its not a total loss because i'd rather be single and prepare myself for a loving relationship than deal with some beer guzzling frat boy. i'm far from perfect and of course make mistakes, but hell at least i know it and work towards growth.
on the other hand ... times have been lonely. the propaganda media that loves to report that black women are losers don't help much either, only because they reflect some sad truths.
@IW as IW its unfortunate that so many of us allow similar feelings of loneliness/aloneness to fester into bitterness. i truly hope that we/they can learn to honestly self-reflect and pray to find truth and inner peace.
my parents have been married for 42 years, and almost all of my aunts and uncles are still married. happily? who knows, but i agree with all who've spoken that commitment is a wonderful thing.
unfortunately there are so many factors in our society - apart from the media - that discourages mature relationships. extended adolescence is widely accepted and kills potential for growth and development, as a single person or otherwise.
in the meantime ... i stay woke ;) peace & blessings ya'll!
I have personally seen IWAIW, out, drunk, with a bunch of his boys, who hold values with which he does not agree.
Hush. and Stop it.
Leave girls night out alone. You can be friends with people who have made different choices. Damn!
RJEsq
I feel royal when I go out with my wife & children. I don't know how to explain it but, people just stare. Blacks but especially the non blacks... It's a trip forreal! And my kids respect us too! I know cause I demand it and others notice, so they comment. People look at us like what the Fuggg... best feeling in the world...Better than any homerun, touchdown or new pussy eva eva eva... I wonder what the hell I was thinkig when I was only chasing money and asssss- nnating my true existence.
Post a Comment