"Thank God The Kids Aint In The Car"

“I’m glad the kids aint in the car.”


Those were the words that raced through my head when I realized that blue blur weaving towards me was a SUV that was going to hit me. That knowledge brings me a strange moment of peace. I'm happy even. No regrets. BFFFWWOOMCRUNNNNCHBAMM!

Spin. Stop. BAMMMMMM! Smoke. Crunching glass.

The engine of the Benz is sitting on the dashboard. I’m alright. I knew that. OK. Cool. Thank God the kids weren’t in the car. Get your head. Was the pistol under the seat? Cool. Damn. What about the other people? I hope they are not dead.

I opened the car door and stepped out of the car. Screams. “Lord Jesus! Lord Jesus!” There’s a black woman getting out of her car and walking towards me. “Lay down Mr. Lay down.” Damn. What’s the matter? Am I on fire? Am I bleeding? Why is she telling me to lay down?

I look back at my car. T Bone. Damn. I liked that car too. To hell with it. I’m glad the kids weren’t in the car.

I keep walking. I see a bald middle-aged surfer with blood on his face staggering away from the wreckage of what used to be his SUV. Other than shock and a broken nose, he’s alright. I shout. “Was anybody else in the car with you?” He shakes his head. I ask him if he’s alright. He shakes his head again. I give him a hug. I walk over to the black lady who was calling for Jesus. We smile at each other. I give her a hug and tell her thank you. I hope she doesn’t feel what’s in my waist band.

Sirens. Fire trucks. Cops. Call my wife. “Baby, I’m alright. But I was in an acid…” Aghhhhhhhh! Whatttt! “Nah, nah, I’m alright.” Car is totaled but I’m OK. You need to come get me. I’m on Lincoln and Manchester. She pulls up before I hang up.

There is a fireman taking my pulse. 120/80. He says “That’s pretty low for after an accident.” I couldn’t resist “Well, man you know, I’m kind of cool like that.” There’s a guy standing next to me. Were you driving the black Benz? Yeah. He looks at the accident and shakes his head. Did you see it? I ask him. “Yes”. What did you see?

“You had the light man. The green arrow. He ran the light. All the way. I saw it dude. He came from way back there by Ralphs! He had to be doing 75. I’m your man. Barry. I live in Playa Del Rey”. He shakes my hand. I direct Barry to the nice police officer who is taking the report.

Then I walk over to my car. T Bone. The interior is immaculate. Side airbags hanging. Fireman tells me. “Dude. I see accidents half this bad. People are dead. I can’t believe you walked away. This car is amazing. He calls over some other fireman to show them the inside of my car. “Normally the steering wheel caves in people’s chests. Sometimes we have to cut their feet out of the peddles.” Note to self. Buy another Mercedes.

I open the trunk of the car. I remove my Mizunos. Pat the car on bumper to say goodbye.

Thank God the kids weren’t in the car.